This may seem like a reference to a Shakespearean quote, but it a question that has played in my head for many years. That question may sound familiar to you. We are all unique individuals, but share common experiences, fears, hopes and dreams. Collectively, we can draw upon each other to better understand how to make decisions in life. Whether those decisions are to tell our parents that we are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender, or to wear sandals, shorts and a T-shirt to the movie theater.
We are faced with decisions all of the time. The thought process that goes on in our head to make any decision is complex, mostly based upon our past experiences. Generally, the older we are, the more life experiences we have gone through, but not always. I have known people that have made choices and decisions that have limited their life experiences, and other people that have taken risks and experienced more in ten years than some people have in a lifetime. No matter what a person’s age is, there are lessons of life that can be used in our decision making process.
The decision on what to wear to the movie theater may not seem as important as whether to come out of the closet to our parents, family, friends, co-workers or society, but it still a complex decision. Is it going to rain? (sandals are out if my feet are going to get wet) Are my toe nails trimmed? Are my varicose veins a concern? (I am older and that is part of my decision making) Do I care if someone sees my varicose veins? Do my sandals and shorts look good together? Will the T-shirt cover my gut? Is the shirt making a statement, and if so, am I comfortable with the statement? Do I think the movie theater will be too cold for shorts? Do I really care what others think? Do these shorts make my butt look good? Do I look gay? Do I look straight? Will people assume that my husband is….my husband? And do I care?
Yes. As much as I would like to think that I don’t give a damn what other people think, I really do. We all do. It was explained to me that I have a desire to feel “a part of”. To be able to maintain my individuality, yet “fit in” is a challenge. The goal of this book is to gather as much experience from as many sources with different backgrounds to present to the reader information that may help the reader in the day to day decision making process. The target audience is of course the LGBTQ community, but if you are a parent, friend, ally, or just curious what makes gays tick, this book may of interest to you also.
The question of whether to be out or not to be out is a personal decision. There is not a right or wrong answer to that question that will fit everybody. That question may seem like an insurmountable decision for a lot of us, but dwindles in comparison to the questions and decisions that are faced by someone with gender identity dysphoria. My personal experiences are limited, and gathering information and asking the right questions is a large task. This book is intended to be just a beginning of dialogue, to bring experience to those with questions. One of my dreams is for society to mature with respect for all, without regard to their personal uniqueness.
Growing up in the rural Midwest, I heard a term that I did not understand. I was told that a woman that I knew was born as a “hermaphrodite”. At his point in my life, I knew nothing of what sex was, but I was aware of the differences between boys and girls. Today, the term “hermaphrodite” has been replaced by “intersexed”. It was rumored that “hermaphrodites” were urban legend, and that there really were no such births. The woman that I knew of to have been rumored as a “hermaphrodite” had a very deep voice for a woman, and showed many masculine characteristics. In those days, when an “intersexed” child was born, surgery options were limited, and generally the child was raised as a girl. I will never know if that woman that I knew really was born with both genitalia or not. It does not matter. The fact is, these births are real, and the decisions that the parents and doctors make at birth are very difficult and important.
Today, options are available that were not available in yesteryear. Those options do not make the decisions any easier. As a society, compassion and respect will help us to mature into a society that values the true diversity of the human race. If you are of the belief that we can all “conform” to the traditional definitions of “men” and “women”, then perhaps this book is not for you. To the conservative right wingers that have beat the drum of “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” mantra, I have to ask….”Doesn’t that story make Adam the first “intersexed” person?”
Our identities, as we see ourselves are personal and are subject to change and evolve. For some, like myself, I have experienced the fears of living in the closet and being “discovered”, and also the freedom associated with being open and out to everyone. I have also chosen to go back into the closet for business reasons. I dream of living in a society that who I am is not a concern, but that is not the reality yet. We live in a world that does not accept the individual differences of others…yet. It is showing signs of changing and maturing, but history tells me that we have been there before. To ignore the fact that all of this is cyclical may be a tragic mistake for the LGBTQ community.
We are enjoying a period of time where acceptance of marriage equality is on the rise, and that may be giving us a false sense of security. There are still a lot of people that believe that the acceptability of homosexuals is the downfall of our society. People have told me to my face things like: “I would like to go out to California and start shooting the “faggots” because they are destroying this country.” That particular comment was made by a co-worker during the time when California was facing the challenges to proposition 8. I doubt if that comment or comments like that would have been made to me had I not been in the closet.
History will tell the story, and I do not have a crystal ball to see how it plays out. Society in the past has seen the LGBT as freaks. For most “straight” people, the only exposure to the LGBT community was what they saw on the news. The news media generally focused on the “outlandish” displays. In most pride parades, there have been all types of LGBTQ people, from the “Mr. Leather International” contestants and winners, the local “Dykes on Bikes” chapter, cross-dressers, female impersonators, transgendered individuals, and go-go boys. But the diversity of the LGBTQ community is largely under-reported. In those same parades, PFLAG, HRC, GLADD, professionals like Doctors, Lawyers, Dentists, Psychiatrists, and Religious or Spiritual organizations can also be found.
The LGBTQ community is very diverse within itself. We come from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds. Diversity is also a hurtle for us as we strive to move forward for equality. Each segment of our community sometimes is oblivious to the others, or we disagree in our goals. The news media has referred to the “gay agenda”, which we all know is an urban myth. The progress we have enjoyed has experienced a lot of disagreement within the ranks. At one pride parade, a lesbian told me that we should never try to fight for marriage equality, because we would just be “conforming” to society. As much as I believe(d) in marriage equality, that opinion is valid. Should we be striving to obtain something that is part of a bigger problem? Sometimes you will even hear the argument whether it is the GLBTQ community, or the LGBTQ community. Do we really understand how we have to stand together rather tear each other apart? The Transgendered community is even split within itself whether the term “tranny” is acceptable or derogatory. There are a lot of gay men that think that bi-sexuals are just afraid to be honest that they are gay. How absurd is that? Isn’t that similar to a straight man thinking that a lesbian “just hasn’t met the right man yet”?
Living in a small rural Midwest town, I could not identify with the images that the media portrayed of the gay community. Some of us are born with physical traits that do not hide our sexual identity. To meet me, most people do not see me as gay. My own perception of myself is different and very effeminate. The ability for me to live in a small Midwestern town in the closet is something that I do not take for granted. There were other boys growing up in that small town that were not as fortunate. Their “gayness” was more evident, and probably played a role in their decision to move away after high school, to bigger cities, where they could be free to be themselves. I wish that I could interview the ones that I am thinking of to see how true that is, but unfortunately, the three guys I am thinking of, have all died from complications of HIV.
We are who we are. That is not a choice. Sometimes labels are too confining. Diversity is the reality. Somewhere within the spectrum of the human race we all have our spot. We all belong. Those are not choices. The choices we do have, are how we interact with others. Those decisions may have an impact on our lives that are not reversible. Making informed decisions is available to us as never before. The intellectual highway has become an integral part of our lives. Social media has changed our face in society, but it has not changed who we are.
If someone loved and respected me before they knew that I was gay, then all that I can hope for is that same love and respect when and if they learn that I am gay.